time literally flies

time literally flies

time passes TOO fast.
its like i dont even have time to sleep.
but, i didnt do anything at all.
why does time seem to pass so fast?
i feel like im pushed to pass my days.
and its the same everyday.

i feel like a robot.
doing the same things again and again everyday.
sighs.

but this is good in a way.
because im so preoccupied with stuffs,
i have hardly time for myself.
no time = no memories.

but, sometimes,
when i retire to bed early.
i'll lie in bed.
and i'll start thinking. again.
not that i want to.
but i just cannot help it.
it comes naturally.
and if i try not to think bout it.
tears would start falling.

the faith in me is so strong.
i ask God to give me rest.
and time to manage my things.

oh.
whenever i on my phone
and listen to my songs.
worship songs.
it'll just occur to me-
the memories.
of con-camp,
YISS.

it was during con camp that
i realise how much God actually loves nicole.
con-camp strenghtened my faith so much more.
i learned that i have to love myself before i can love others.
and con-camp came at the right time for me.
i believe that God arranged it this way.
my heartbreak at that time was tormentous.
i dare say i've never felt that way before.
because, he meant so much to me.
and i had to walk away.
and God came.
he came to tell me he loved me.
he came to console my heart.
he came to show me what love is.
it was then, i felt my faith in me.
i didnt know it was this strong.
because, nic used to think that God is a very busy man.
and he wouldnt have time for sinners like me.
but, thats not true.
because he loves me.
and nicole is his favoured child.

after con-camp,
came YISS.
my heartbreak wasnt totally healed.
and, i suppose it isnt healed yet.
and God came again.
YI pulled me closer to God.
much much closer.
i met ppl who changed my life.
who told me that God is perpetually by my side.
that im His favoured child.
you have no idea how much i love God. =D

however, i feel that im starting to drift away.
drift away from God.
i dont wanna drift away.
i need God.
but i dont know what to do.
some times i would cry alone.
for no reason at all.

maybe im meant to be that lil girl,
sitting in a corner,
holding on to the edge of His clothes.

i dont need a reason to be angry with God.
but i dont understand,
maybe i'd never understand.
why God gave me what i wanted
and took it away in the end.
and i often wonder,
if i'd never had them,
i prolly wouldnt feel so hurt now.

here i am,
comtemplating on whether should i let it go.
i tried a hundred times.
but i just dont have what it takes to let it go.
i searched deep within.
and i conjured a reason.

because we've been thru so much
;trouble and trials.
;bitter and sweet.
before we got together.
and even when we're together,
these trials just kept on coming.
picking on every single thing.
us, our faith, o levels and our past.
and time and again,
we held on tight and passed every single problem together.
the promises you made,
carved deep within my being.
the tears i cried,
cut deep into my heart,
leaving marks of memories.

and in my heart,
i believe.
that if we're able to cross this once more,
hand in hand, holding tight.
nothing will be able to make us let go.
nothing.
however, what i believe,
is something i cannot control.
circumstances keep on changing.
your decision was never stable.

perhaps,
the trust we have for each other,
never laid its foundation strong enough.
this trust begins with ourselves.

because i know,
you've been question yourself.
of all people, why you.
right.
this question has been hovering in my heart too.
some times i wonder why i try so hard,
when all you do is put on that nonchalent expression.
some times, ego is something that blocks the whole picture.
picture of us.

you never told me your problems.
because you're afraid i might lose my security.
i hereby tell you that,
i want to know what your problems are.
i want to share it with you.
this is why im around.
i suppose its what i must do.

maybe you dont want me to worry.
but, not knowing anything
makes me feel useless.
makes me doubt my position in your heart.
i feel very helpless,
whenever i see your troubled face.
but there's nothing much i can do.

seeing you being so tired out,
my heart aches.
i ask God to give you rest.

despite the heartbreaks you gave me,
i stil love you.
i realised..
i dont mind the heartbreaks.
i dont mind the tears.
i dont mind your infactuaion.
i dont mind the things you did.
i dont know why.
but i believe that i meant it.

what i want
is what i need.

i need your smiles. ((:
because im happy when your happy.

i need you doesnt mean i must have you by my side.
it just means that i'll stay around.

and some times i try so hard
to figure what your trying to tell me.
but by the time
i got the answer,
its kinda too late.
know what,
my mind is just too tired to play games.
i just want to hear what i need to hear.
while your deciding if you should tell me,
i'll be waiting.
with the faith within me.

i fell too deep to back out now.
in my life,
letting you go is my greatest mistake.
i cannot justify my actions.

but i know,
i didnt want you to feel cheated.
so i'd rather you go thru this heartbreak.
i know i've been selfish.
im sorry.

i realise my life isnt as fulfilling without you by my side.



okays. i suddenly had this urge to speak my mind.