ending

Ending
the love we thought would never stop
now cools like a congealing chop.
the kisses that were as hot as curry
are bird-pecks taken in a hurry.
the hands that held electric charges
now lie inert as four moored barges.
the feet that ran to meet a date
are running slow and running late.
the eyes that shone and seldom shut
are victims of a power shut.
the parts that then transmitted joy
are now reserved and cold and coy.
romance, expected once to stay
had left a note saying GONE AWAY.
-Gavin Ewart







it is true. yepps.

same day of the week.
same bus.
same bus stop.
same road.
same people.

but..

the spaces that were in between us.
the different sides of the road.
the different feeling.



we walked on different sides of the road.
we seemingly sat beside each other, but deep inside,
we're worlds apart.
we're so near, and yet so far.



the feeling was so different.
but, in me, there is this sense of relieve.
for myself and for him. (:


maybe it is time for some one else to experience the love i once had.
maybe it is time for me to be alone.
maybe it is time for me to think back and reminise.
maybe it is time for him to recieve more than he had gave.
maybe it is a time where God wants my time alone with Him.


but, i've definitely found my love.




the sunset maybe beautiful.
but it has seem to lose its beauty and magnificent because of you.

but then again,
the beauty of the sunset,
changes with the different people you admire it with.
because every person is special and different in their own ways.

even when the sun sets,
it will rise again.
but, it is ANOTHER day.
meaning different things might happen and the people around you might change too.



you know when the sun sets,
the world will turn into darkness.
the magnificient sight before the sun sets,
is God's way of telling nicole that God loves her.
and that darkness,
is something nicole has to learn to get use to.
because she believes that her world.
will stay that way for quite some time.
she doesnt know how to let others enter her life anymore.
she trusts not the people around her.


it is quite hard to retain what you've lost.
sometimes, i try my hardest to forget the things that upset nic.
but the harder i try, the deeper it seeps.
the things i never wanna remember never goes away.
the things i wanna remember never stays.
i wonder why is this so.

however, love stays.
because i want it to stay. ((:


and sometimes, its not just about me.
sometimes, it takes more than one person to make things happen.


he can ask me a question,
and i'll ponder bout it before giving my answer.
but i realise.
that my answers are actually quite redundant.
because, with or without my answers.
things never change.



so i reckon that to him,
nicole is quite redundant too.


i dont know.
the things that he has done and said,
has made nic very confused and weary.
nic doesnt know if she should trust him anymore.
but nic knows that love is so much greater than all of this.























inside, the heart that used to beat.
is now raining and cloudy.
she is feeling very miserable.
she tries so hard to be happy everyday.
she smiles like for 24/7.
but.





is it what she wants?



































nope. certainly not.

*grins-

sleeping at the basketballcourt IS nice. ((:

yepps it sure is. hahas.

yesterday kevin smsed me while i was doing my gp essay. lols. and he said.

im like stargazing now and it kinda reminded me of you.

tsk. so sweet isnt it? hahas. stargazing IS nice. (((:

mmhmm. yupps indeed. after gazing stars for two days, it is time to get serious and mug. lols.

i got LOADS of things to mug for man. omg.

history is a torture, but i still like history. wahahahas..
econs is ohkay... but still gotta mug hard.
gp is tmr. omg. *drops dead*
and the rest.. faints-*

ohkays. maths now. gotta gooooooooo...

her voice fades in hunger and desperation for slumber...

• nniiccoooollee-* ]] we'll look at stars all night long. ((: ☆

hmm. im back! lols.
duh. tsk.

it was a very nice camp. (((:
with the nice nice nice nice very nice rooms and facilities. wahahhas.
its like chalet lars. tsk.
when's my computer gonna be fixed? hais.
oh wells.

tskk.

i slept at the basketball court.
and i loved it.
i wonder why..
hmm. ((:
*ponders*

blessed-

im at jo jo's house! ((: and i helped her shift her blog. and created a NEW one! wahahahas. and i changed my own blogskin too! hahahahas.

hmmm.. im bored.. and that lil baby's here. OMG. sighs. i dont wanna be maria pls.

even if so. i need to be paid cans. im sure jo thinks the same! wahahahahas. she's smiling lors. hahahahas.

sians. that thing now bothering our brothers. lols. (((: *smirks*

oh man! i cant wait to go genting mans! woot! so long liaos lohs. last year i missed it cos why arhs? hmmm.. exams oh wells.

gtg. time running out. LOLs.

adious~

reminise

reminise.

things arent what they used to be anymore. )):

but nevermind. ((: its okay. nic's a strong girl. i know it. ((;

anything

found it!

Anything by Simple Plan.

These days I can't help but wonder why
I stick to my illusions to carry on
I'm so ashamed to dream of you
I guess that your out of my league

How I wish that someday
I could belong to your world
Really wish that someday
You'd just take me away

I'll do anything
To hold you in my arms
You look at me, you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'll do anything
To fall asleep with you
I know I'm not that cool
So maybe I should just forget you

Now you set your eyes on me
I turn myself around to see
When your eyes meet mine you'll say
Sorry, then you'll look away

How I wish that someday
I could belong to your world
Really wish that someday
You'd just take me away

I'd do anything
.To hold you in my arms
You look at me, you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I know I'm not that cool
So maybe I should just forget you

I close my eyes
There's nothing I can do to get you
you're on your own
I close my eyes
There's nothing I can do to get you
You're on your own

I'll do anything
To hold you in my arms
You look at me, you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I know I'm not that cool
I'm not that cool

I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
I Know you'll never feel the same way too.

yupps. exactly what i feel. ((:

haha/

went to see docs jus now. gave me like syrup antibiotics and lozenges. the lozenges so bitter. not nice one. yucks* oh wells. sighs. i dont like docs. im sooo sick. and im playing maple. lols. oh well. didnt go school today. hehehes. oh wells. looking for song lyrics now. when i find it i'll publish it. as for now.. ok done blogging.

lastest blabberings.

PHOTO TIME!

me and enqi @work. so miss those days.


me and enqi @ JE kpool.















me and kenneth @ kpool JE.


ME! in kenneth's cap @ JE kpool. ((:


my new Adidas SHOE! i so looove my shoe. ((:

##############
OKAY. back to my point. blog. righty.

hahaha! hello people! im back!

right. lastest blabs. im in millennia institute! ((:

and yupps.
4th of may is his birthday. and i intend to pass him his present thru some one who'll help me i hope.

6th of may is my school's carnival. please come okay? ((:
tickets at 10 bucks each.

den 7th of may is my church's carnival. and i hope YOU GUYS can come too!
tickets at 5 bucks each.

------------

life in millennia is hectic man.

like, on monday i finish school at 5.15
on tuesday i finish at 4.30 i think.
on wednesday i finish at 3.45 i think. and den there's cca.
on thursday i finish at 5.15.
on friday i finish at 12.45 and den there's cca too.

com'on. pity me please.

right. http://06a1.blogspot.com visit my class blog. its super nice, partly cos the skin was changed by me. ((: and the people inside of cos! ((:

06a1 rocks my socks man. hahahahahahaha! a bunch of crazy enthus. LOLs. ya man!

and i changed my blogskin!
hahaha
yay! i love changing blogskin. and i LOVE adidas.
i looked for adidas skin lar. but all not nice. sighs.
oh wells. i'll make do with this one i guess. ((:

ok i got loads of homework lar. haven done any.
hahaha. got like 2 projects on hand and LOADs of essays. i think.
and econs. and hist. and lit. and gp. and i dont know wat more. shit.
i haven started. and im at my cousin's house. and i didnt bring my homework.
i wanted to bring lar. but then in the morning very rush den everything olso forget.

ya man. but i remembered my digi cam and my phone and mp3. ((: ya man. that's like my crucial stuffs. haha. the must haves. ((:

sorry man. my com's dead hence the dead blog and maple and friendster and msn. forgive me man. i'll blog more oftenly soon. i promise. as soon as i get my very own laptop. ((: ya? hahahaha.

i cant wait. TOO many happenings in my life nowadays man. sorry man. i cannot blog everything down man. TOO much pls. hahaha. but then i wrote it in my OWN personal diary. of cos man. hahaha.

and i love my shoe.

ok. done.

Cherry tomatoes. (:

harlows!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY! ((:

"may the good lord bless you,
may the good lord bless you,
may the good lord bless JOEY,
may the good lord bless you." *sings*

study hard darling! ahaha. your one year older. wahahaha.

```````````````````````````````````````
Kiss Goodbye - Lee Hom

Baby不要再哭泣
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握着你的手彼此都舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不如保持安静
给我一分钟专心
好好欣赏你的美
幸福搭配悲伤
痛是在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走
去跟随
每一次和你分开
深深的被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔
痛苦难以释怀
每一次kiss you Goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白
但欠你的我不能给
我才明白爱最真实的滋味
我终于明白

this song is so niiiice (:
but i prefer Forever Love. ((:
i also dont know why. but i just prefer forever love.
ai cuo also nice.
aiyee.. leehom song all very nice lar.
wahahahaha. (((:



i cannot stop you from what you want to do.
im really sorry.

付出的爱收不回
还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走.


cheerios!
NicoLe- (:

Soft and Fragile.

Life, is so fragile. So soft, so unpredictable.

I was told by one of my friend that this friend** of mine, his* dad's blood vessel burst and was admitted in NUH. She urged all of us to pray for his* dad, pray that God will see his* dad thru this difficult process. When I received this sms, I was at work. So I thot in my mind, that I'll pray for his* dad. I had to look after the little children so I couldn't pray. So I thot I'll pray when my mind is free every now and then. So I did. I prayed. But I was curious, was it very serious? cos I haven encounter any incidents like this before, so I asked huifen and enqi. They said that it is very serious, and that most of the cases, the patients never make it alive. So I thot if I prayed harder, God will help his* dad more. But enqi also said that even if the patients made it, they'll become paralyzed. I guess there isn't a choice. At night, I smsed benjy and asked if my friend's
* dad was okay. But benjy said he left us and joined our father up there. Sighs, there was this pain in my heart, I didn't know why. Suddenly I felt that life is so unfair, so unpredictable. So fragile. Sighs. Then I realize, that God has greater plans for his* dad.

*I just hope that you'll be okay ya? I know it's hard, but you'll be fine. God loves you. (:
**for privacy's sake, I'll not name this friend of mine. For those who know, good for you. For those who don't, sorry I have to respect him. Pray for him and his family and his dad. Okay? Thank you. (:

talking about sms-ing, we chatted for quite a long time. Compared to the past few times we sms-ed lar. It was quite heart-breaking though. My nose was running, and my pillow was wet. Tough night yesterday. But at least he told me something I wanted to know, well, without me asking. But, he did ask me a question, I told him my answer. I so wanted to ask him back that question, but I didn't. I so wanted to know the answer to his question. But I didn't ask him. I didn't know why either. Sighs, perhaps I don't have to know and I don't really wish to know. Because what I don't know cannot hurt me. I was afraid that when I know the truth, my wound will expand. Perhaps that is why I didn't ask. Sighs.

today.
today is Friday the 13th. I never used to believe in this superstition. Not that I do now, but it was a terrifying experience.

first bad thing that happened did not happen on me, but on enqi. This little boy, crying non stop wants his kak kak. And just nice, when Miss Chew opened the door to let another girl come in, he ran out. And so coincidently, enqi stopped him. He cried and cried. And vomited on Enqi. enqi stinked.

second bad thing that happened was in the late morning, just before lunch time. I was teaching the kids BIG and small. So there was this BIG scissor and small scissor. Two girls snatch the SMALL scissor (luckily it was the SMALL scissor.) , and one got cut. Deep cut. She was bleeding profusely. the blood was dripping non stop. On the floor, on her hand, on the other teacher's hand, on my hand and on my jeans. sighs. She was crying non stop, we had difficulties getting her to stop wailing. She scared the crap outta me man. Eventually the bleeding stopped and her daddy brought her to the doctor's. her dad is so handsome. So young. So smart. Wearing what I believe to be the number one uniform or something, it is white in colour with loads of badges. And I think that he's with the SAF. He has plentiful of badges on his uniform. So handsome. lols.

what luck! Perhaps it's just a series of coincidences. I doubt that that superstition is true. (:

you guys watch love's concierge?
you know that rich hotel manager and that blur sotong?

they remind me of myself and someone else.

they got together but they broke because of some misunderstandings. the guy lied, and the girl cried. dragged for a long period of time. girl found a good guy-friend. good guy-friend is interested in blur sotong. guy-friend and sotong became close friends. but the rich guy mistaken that the girl likes that guy-friend so the rich guy backed away from her. rich guy saw how happy the girl was without him, so he let her be. the rich guy still loves the blur girl alot but he kept it to himself. left the poor girl alone to ponder bout when is he going to treat her good, when is he going to ignore her or ponder bout what the guy is thinking about. that sotong suffered crying herself to sleep everynight. rich guy stayed wishy-washy and never persist for what he want.

sounds familiar? sighs. fate. fate. fate.











i shall not cry. i shall not cry. i shall not cry!
*pouts* sighs.

NicoLe-

M-I-C K-E-Y!

MICKEY MOUSE! yay! so cute hor.

lols. he's jus so irresistable!

mickeynatic!

mickenatic!

i LOVE mickey mouse! yay!

M-I-C K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!



MICKEY MOUSE!

new start!

it's a new start!


yupp! indeed! new start! it's da` 5th of January! and it's olso my 2nd day at work! hahaha! they are sooo irrisistable and super adorable! but olso very poor thing. its like they keep on crying and crying. sighs. poor children..

but they're stil cute!


sometimes, when things become history, its no use pondering. (:


its like wat they all say, no use saving a flickering flame if the man aint worth ur efforts. sighs, love is so fragile. what makes love between two person strong is trust. since there was no trust, no point being together. am i right? (:


i love children! hahaha. so cute! hahaha. there's this lil` alicia, she's so super cute! she calls EVERYBODY auntie! and everything olso mine! mine one! telephone ring only she'll go orh! tehphone! hahaha.. other ppl sneeze only she'll go orh! ahhhchoo! ppl cough she'll cough cough! hahaha. so cute right. other toddlers if they want their mummies, they'll start crying and screaming, but alicia will go, ma-my! ma-my! she's so super adorable! she doesnt cry. so she's good girl. lols.


huifen's in love with abraham. hahaha. i love ting yao! hahaha. so small built. and den he got asthma. so poor thing hor. everytime go ka kak! ka kak! ka kak is his maid. ahaha. his maid leave the class only he'll come and hold my hand and den pull me to the door, ka kak! ka kak zai na li? lols. so cute. haha. den today he kiss me! hahaha. and huifen.. lols.. aiyoooo! soooo cute! hahaha. den hor got the ah neh neh one. black black one. i dont like. huifen olso dont like.. dunnoe wat raj and the atoshi. hahaha. den got the dou ji yan one. i think is amelia, she very ba dao one. keep on shouting den everytime i tell her not to shout she doesnt listen. hahaha. and den huifen dont like that tiffanie girl she very naughty one. den the mummy always come in for little little reaasons. so irritating. this week is orientation so parents can come in and accompany the kids. but frm next week onwards cannot alr. den huifen so bad.. she say next week parents bu ke yi jing lai le, gei ta ku dao si! hahaha. i agree with her man! hahaha.


ok. i can name each and everyone of them but i'll go on til tmr morning! hahaha. my class is N1, huifen one is N2, den after lunch, both of us will assist the other 2 teachers with N3 and N4. my N1 very good de, they nvr cry de. hahaha. huifen de N2 olso. hahaha but den N3 and N4 keep on crying de. den is a FEW cry at the same time lor. erm not cry is wail. so super noisy. den the other teacher say tmr bring radio once come in the class den blast the music. hahaha. den finish! den knock off! home sweet home! yay! hahaha.

twenty o six

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said... no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever... and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....

You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away... I'd die...

this is a very meaningful lil "story". once, i had this boy in my life. i was foolish enough to let him go.


ya kno, life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned, That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned, That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned, That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned, That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned, That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned, That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned, That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned, That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned, That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned, That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned, That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned, That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned, That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned, That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned, That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away.

I've learned, That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned, That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned, That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned, That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness, and growth happen while you're climbing it.

I've learned, That the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

this is a short passage i found in some email sent to me. i ignored it without reading a lot of times, but it just comes back to me without fail. until i read it, i didnt kno god was trying to tell me all these. (:

funtastic

It's 2006! yay!



ok, so whats so yay bout 2006? haha. oh well..



yesterday was awesome! had brother's birthday bbq at yiyi's house and den went for mass. AND then, uncle patrick brought us UP mt faber to watch fireworks. woohoo! it was FAN-TAS-TIC. so fabulous. so awesome, so magnificent. so woah and so gorgeous. it really was great! it was the first time in my entire life, i've seen soooo much fireworks. they were b-e-a-utiful. mmhmm!



great! its the new year! yay! and i've gotta job! yes again. hahaha. this time, my job's gonna shock u. wahaha. kindergarten relief teacher. yay! i so cant wait for the 3rd to come. hehe. yay yay yay!



new year, new start. fresh start i mean. yes fresh. fresh and clean. decided to put those stuffs down. if we're meant to be, love will find a way. no? yupps!


uncle patrick told us, we must have dreams and beliefs in order to suceed. he told us that, when he was younger, at an uncle's house, he once had a quarrel with an uncle, and that uncle told him to get outta his house. (it was a private property.) so uncle patrick told himself that when he grow up, he'll have a bigger house then that uncle's. and so he did. his house he's staying in cost 1.2 million. it's at mt faber lodge. (where christopher micheal lee is staying.) and another one at signature's park which he rented out. he is R-I-C-H. i repeat, rich. yes. he bets 50,000 bucks at football matches. buy each child of his an ipod mini. and has i-dunnoe-how-many cars. brings his family overseas like dunnoe-how-many-times a year. brings US all over the place every now and den. gives each and every aunt and uncle of his a few hundred bucks everytime he sees em. gives us 50+ bucks jus for reward. plays the "quiet game" and gives the winner a few ten bucks. *quiet game is: the person who can keep quiet throughout the whole car journey wins. and other funny funny weird weird games. yupp yupp!


im telling myself dat i can do wat others think i cant. ppl always tell me, money cant buy EVERY thing. but, i WILL have everything money cant buy, and things u cant buy i can with money. (:



will try and blog when i have time.
til then!

















however beautiful i may seem,
whatever fun i may enjoy,
however happy i may be,
whatver friends i may have made,
however much money i may earn,
whatever luxuries i may own,
however i may enjoy myself,
whatever joyful memories i may have,
however much time i may squender away,
whatever things i may do,
still does not satisfy me,
because i dont have you by my side.



you'd surely kno who you are when your reading this.
cos i kno u kno. (:




happy 2006! partehhh people~!

reminisine

what is love. love is knowing the person u love is happy and u feel contented.

sighs. overwhelming regrets. but then again. i have no rights to. (:

com'on girl. haha. get over it, fast. i know u can do it. (: u jus need time and someone to concern bout ya right. there're plenty of em round.

oh ya. and nicole nicole. i think u can enroll urself for acting already. u put up a very strong front. and he thot u were happy. hahaha! great i guess. haha. well, i thot he's nice. erms, HE IS. but den again. yay! i am happy. hahaha. madness. oh wells.

aye, stop pondering on this girl. he aint gonna come back for u. he didnt even try and make u stay in the first place. he thinks u dont love him at all. he thinks u are happy now and let u be. hahaha. funny how circumstances make fun of u ya.. sighs. wat has happened has happened. no point trying so hard to salvage it anyway. booo.

enqi's right. i've got plenty of other guys waiting to be my guy. why should i try so hard to recover a lost sheep. sighs. im super confused now. i dunnoe wat im feeling. guilt. regret. happy. sad. ya i guess. super heartbreaking can. i mean the way he treats me. not even a friend. wats the use of telling me we can stil be friends when he doesnt even treat me as one. i mean i am always there, i nvr left. its like the stars, u dont always see em' but u know they're there. always. but apparently, he doesnt seem to realise lar. its ok anyway, i did it on my own free will. (: its okay. really. haha. well. lien, im okay. yes, really. haha. dont bother bout me. haha. i keep repeating my mistakes. i dunnoe why either. haha.

perhaps im not ready to commit myself. or maybe i have no confidence in myself. it might also be because i've been hurt so deeply once that i dont trust anyone anymore. because the two closest to me lied to me, so i thot that no one else is trustworthy anymore. maybe its because i am not worthy.

i have always been thinking bout this, given my temper, my not so good looking looks, my super lazy self, my not so intelligent brain, my attitude, my very stubborn stubborness.

who in the world would love me so much that they'll do lil lil things to make me happy, go thru troubles to get wat i want, do wat ever it takes jus to see me smile, try and compromise me, change themselves to suit me, tahan my mad temper, stand my stubborness, try so hard not to make me cry.

and den i became wary. wary of myself. i started to think and even doubt myself, i was so afraid of losing. i wanna win. i cannot lose. that is why, i've always been letting go. letting go of the love of my life, letting go of wat could actually be a wonderful and magical history in my life. oh wells.

that is me i guess, i nvr think for myself, like wat many others say of me. but i cant help it. haha. it's jus me. it's jus soo nicole. i tried to think for myself, but it was too late. once and twice. i tried to think what do i actually want, but when i finally achieved the answer, it was already too late. late because, my love has already walked outta my life and into another's. all i can do now is jus to pray. not for myself, but for him to cherish her. altho i dunnoe who lar, but jus as well i guess. (:

i can see, mark's trying hard. (: and i thank him for that. well, not that it actually concerns me or whatsoever, but because i know, if he hadnt try, it'll be my fault too. dont ask me why, it's a pretty loooooooooong story. hahaha. yupidoki. =) haha, it took him more then half a year to settle down. but all is worthy if u ask him now i guess. ((:

in the past, when i was younger. i've always wanted things to go MY way. i do wat i like, and do wat i want. that was when i was younger lar. but now, whenever i think likewise, i have this voice inside me, telling me, "life isnt that simple nicole." i guess, i am no longer that 6 years old nicole i used to be. i am 16 now, i can think. i plan my life knowing life aint what it appears to be. ((:

im taking a closer walk with God. each day i pray that he'll come deeper into my life. show me the meaning of my existance. everyday, i talk to God. hoping he'll tell me the solutions to my problems. i let God carry my baggages. baggages of sins, lies unforgiveness, anger, and many more. i ask God to lighten my load. i put my life in God's hand. i give God my life. i let God take control of my life. i tell God my secrets, knowing that he'll tell no one. i pray each day that God may touch the lives of my friends and family around me. i know that God will not let me down, neither do i wanna let God down. day by day, i try so hard, not to sin and make God disappointed. i pray so hard that God will bring him back to the path in God's grace. i know God have his reasons of doing things, God made me let him go because he has greater things in life for me. i am ready to do God's will. i love God, and i know, God loves me too. ((:

sighs

MERRY X'MAS!

lols. yepp yepp! its x'mas again! haha. "that" time of the year.. yuppidoki! and everytime this year, i'll be spending it alone. no doubt! haha. well, get used to it nic, its not the first time.. haha.. yepp yepp! got used to it somehow or rather. haha..! oh well! ohkay! now i'll try to blog what ever that comes to my mind, cos obviously i haven been blogging.. haha!

sighs, this is life. life is cruel. yes. let me tell u a bit bout my job.

JOB.
this job, kinda sucks, but its damn good.
ok lemme explain..
it is good when u can find ppl. it sucks when u work and there's noone whose willing to stop and listen to u speak. and u'll work for nth. that explains why enqi is so damn pissed with the job. (: haha. oh well, it isnt that bad for me lar. cos i managed to get 2 up.. haha.. well more then two but only those two help me get 60 and 80 bucks. haha. oh well, anyway, i alr quit.. lols.. well, cos firstly, mummy didnt like me doing that job cos i get home late, sencondly, daddy olso didnt like me doing that job which, he jus told me recently like yesterday i think. thirdly, i was getting tired of that job and thot i could earn more doing an easier job some where else. forthly, its taking up TOO much energy doing this stupid thing. ((: thus, i quited after 4 days! (: cool right. lols. i made 80+60=140 in 4 days. oh well. haha. and in these 4 days, i only like worked 2 hours per day. LOL. swells!

OK. next up, its... bout.. hmm.. wat.. lets see.. ok!

MAPLE!
maple sucks. not cos i dunnoe how to play, in fact, imma magician lvl 12! lols. right, that's besides the point. point is, COMPUTER sucks. i cannot play after they repatch the stupid maple thing! i log in and den walk a few steps den auto log out! OMGosh! im so irritated by it lar.. til i decided not to play and blog instead! so there!

next hmm..

FELIX CHIA!
lols. i do not, do not, do not, look like hello kitty! ok! omgosh! i dont look like hello kitty lar!!! aiyoyo! cannot stand u lar.. haha.

KING KONG!!!
this is a truely remarkable show, this show depicts how u can stil find love and compassion in this stupid and cruel reality. its VERY touching. trust me when i said that, i cried watching it ok! and mr lien! i dont cry for every show i watch kay! tell me, which movie and when? hur hur hur! hmphs! king kong and ann darrow. so nice. sighs. curse the stupid script writer of king kong man! why did he have to write such a SAD ending? sighs.. actually, i olso dunnoe how to describe the relationship/feeling king kong had for ann darrow. love? lols.. i dunnoe.. too bad king kong is king kong and ann darrow is ann darrow. haha. oh well.. the person is so mean lar, wan king kong to die alr so sad, still make king kong fall from the tallest building in new york.. -.-" so mean right. sighs. a very very good film! imma gonna watch it again and again and again and again. lols. (((:

SIGHS.
well recently, jus recently, he called. uh.. and den we talked. and.. well basically talked. ok, i remembered him saying, "everyone around me has become so holy except me." suddenly i felt my heart drop as in that feeling.. and i started getting bored so i did funny stiffs dat i normally wont do.. as in to like start qouting from the bible while i was on the phone.. cos i was flipping thru the bible BUT before i could finish my qoute, he said, dont come and bible me now.. or sth like dat lar.. den he said not in the mood. and i was, totally disappointed, i mean, u dont have time for God? sighs, this jus shows one thing, he changed. totally. im totally disappointed man. sighs. and den we continued talking.. it sounded awkward tho.. like im talking to some one i dont kno.. weird but i do kno him dont i? yes of cos i kno him, but why dat feeling? i dunnoe. sighs, we used to talk bout everything under the sun, but this time its like i've nth to say to him, but i kno deep inside, i got pentiful loads to tell him.. yes i wanna tell him, of cos i wanna. but not this benjy, nope definitely not. the benjy i kno doesnt call me a flirt. he doesnt brand me that way. he doesnt avoid me, he doesnt ignore me. oh well.. sighs.. its different now nic, ppl change, circumstances change, time flies, love fades.

merry x'mas!
x'mas is here! i gotta very very long wish list. haha. those on these blog are jus 1/4 of my oringinal wish list. haha! oh well. x'mas is a time i love but hate. love x'mas of cos i do, who doesnt? haha! but every time, i'd spend it alone. alone as in ALONE. well, not literally but yeah.. alone. hais! not that im yearning to spend it with some one lar, i dont have any one in particular in mind now tho.. well, i thot i would be very nice and sweet to spend x'mas with the love of your life. haha. oh well, this apparently doesnt apply to me. sighs, not only x'mas.. its my birthday, sighs, this year, i woke up and i found myself crying in bed. sighs, i think its cos i could have spent my birthday with that person. ok, i did, but he came with her. that wasnt wat i thot i wanted. sighs. oh well, as the chinese saying goes, "hao ma bu chi hui tou chao." well, meaning, good horse dont eat grass that's behind. lols. ok it means, we shouldnt/must not dwell in the past nor to look back, nor to regret. i think its like dat lar. i dont wanna wake up next year on the 9th of june and find myself crying again. sighs. OF COS, i kno, God is with me. and im glad. i kno i shouldnt cry, cos i've God. (:

SIGHS.

there are STILL people coming to me and telling me, why dont u give him another chance? afterall, u gave mark alot more chances den u did to him. and as i was thinking bout it, ya arh, why not arh? afterall, he's a great guy. but after considering for a long long time, i decided, it is best not to dwell in the past.

well, indeed i MUST admit that He's a very nice guy. (: and of cos i kno how much he loved me. of cos i kno i mean i can feel u kno. does lil lil nice nice stuffs jus to make me smile. nice guy right? he torlerates my temper very well, altho some times i kno i go beyond the line. im sorry, but ask mark. he knos. =] wahaha. ok, out of point. as i was saying, he's a nice guy, so why dont i give him another chance since he loves me so much?

well, firstly, i did consider giving him the chance ok, but he wanted to do his O's so he sorta rejected or so to say, pushed back. so i was like oh..kay. nvm. i wait. but he nvr came back until a few days after O's ended i think. and he indirectly asked for a patch, i wasnt quite sure bout it, cos after all, we've been seperated for quite a period of time alr so i was really not very steady as before. so i was pondering bout it. AND i came to realise DAT he's already infactuated with some one else i kno. so i was a lil cross upon knowing this lar. i mean i felt cheated can. like he alr crush another girl and stil came and ask for patch lar. sighs. so cos of this i was quite mad at him for a PERIOD OF TIME. a while only lar. haha. well at least he's not like mark. (: and i thank god for that. cos it took me like ONE YEAR to heal the wound lar. now, its completely SEALED. but along came another. sighs. i guess it'll take time to heal olso.

and then, well because u kno, when we were together, his mum kinda objected us lar. altho she's very nice, but im stil a lil afraid lar. and his mum was kinda jumpy and all, well i guess its because of O's.. now dat O's over.. we might have had chances but.. this is life nicole. (:

and lastly! he's gotten kinda close to joanne and gang so i thot i dont wanna spoil them or like interupt em or wat so eva. mayb its nth lar. but i thot i should stand aside since i gave my chance away. well, to speak the truth, i do feel a lil sour seeing them being so close lar. i dunnoe.. mayb its because im me bahs. i am a lil emotional lar. so its like everytime i break, WELL I ONLY BROKE 2 TIMES, den i will have this lil sentimental feeling dwelling in my heart. that is why mark had SO many chances. haha. he jus kept trying and persisting. lols. but i want to think it as benjy's a gentleman so he doesnt force me. and i respect that altho i kno and many others kno that if he had persisted, we could have be and will be together again. oh well. thats it. yepp yepp. ((:

hello mr nice guy LIM. if ur reading this, im sorry ohkay. i kno i've said sorry alot of times alr but im super really really sorry kays. pls.. well.. dont treat me so cold can? sighs, if we're meant to be, WE WILL BE. ok? trust god ya? i'll stil LOVE u man! hehe. righty benjy! ((: thank you for everything ya? heex. =]

WEEE!

weeeeeeeeeeeee! finally the queen decides to blog! wahahaha. yes. finally i decided to blog. HAHA. i have blog for a LONG LONG time. HAHA. get use to it people. hehehe. i kno lar there're these NICE people go come here every day to check if its updated yet but im SO SORRY can. hehe. im jus TOO lazy man! haha.

ok lemme start. HAHA.

Youth In The Spirit Seminar 2005
DAY ONE.
hahaha. i wanted to go for this camp so badly lar. HAHA. and when i got there, i was so high. HAHA. im in LOVE. yay! as in my group is LOVE. YAY! haha. yes love. ok and then i knew that ONE of my facils is Grace, so i was looking everywhere for grace. HAHA. before i got to see her i was hearing LOADS of ppl saying that she's a super nice person and that she's a LAWYER. weeeee! haha how cool is dat man! HAHA. yay. ok. so i found grace, and den i was wondering who is my other facil. and when i knew i was like OH NO. TELL ME ITS NOT HIM. AGAIN. hahaha. yes, its Gavin. AGAIN. oh no man! like give me a break man! haha. he's gonna make my toes and intestines giggle lar. HAHA. ok. and i saw my OTHER group mates. haha. i was like oh no. it'll be damn boring man. HAHA. all look so lifeless can. HAHA. i was like the only one whose like own self at there high. LOL. ok den we kinda clique quite well after a while lar. den slowly, i kno their names at heart. there's catharina, vanessa, kelly, sarah, jean, felix, joshua, kevin and kelvin. and my facils are grace and gavin! haha.

HAHA. yea man! so cool right. haha. yepps yepps. WE're IN LOVE. HAHA. yepps. yepps. i love LOVE can. HAHA. ok im damn lazy to blog anymore. HAHA.

Damn unfair.

SIGHS. December.

the last month of the year.. i thot as the year ends, all my troubles and sad memories will go together with 2005. but apparently, no and its all resurfacing.

nvm bout it resurfacing, but my mum's super unreasonable. i mean like, does she even kno how hard is it to even FIND a job? i went thru so much trouble to find this job.. i jus wanna go out and spend my time usefully rather than jus lazing at home, i wanna do sth.. why cant she understand? why must she always go against me? hello~ im 16 years old alr pls.. other 16 years olds have their parents' trust and support to do things they wanna. what bout mine? restricting me in everything i do. EVERYTHING. so wat if imma girl?! im stil a human right? i stil breathe like every other stupid guys right.. i eat and sleep like all other guys right?? why is she always saying imma girl therefore i cannot do this, do that? i know wat im doing okay.. i know who is the good guy and who is not!! i can SEE for MYSELF. cant i make the friends i wanna make? so wat if enqi goes to china black? so what man? its not like she's gonna betray her body or wat right??! why does she think of the BAD ones as good ppl?! she doesnt even know kay!! xuehui is a bitch lor. she thinks xuehui is a good girl and all. MY FREAKING FOOT man. its because she has no FRIENDS to accompany her out. and ALL OF HER FRIENDS ARE GANGSTERS pls!! out until 1 plus almost everyday, crush on the ugliest gangsters, speak like a freaking ah lian, act like a total bitch and hang out with all the disgusting ppl. and to think my mum treat her as a DECENT girl. PER LEASE lor. i finally got a job and now she's not letting me go. damn it. asshole. so damn unreasonable lor. what the hell is wrong with her man. treating the good as the bad. treating the bitch as the good. where is her eyes man?! slap me for sth i didnt do. and its all because of that bitch again. she told my mum i went to china black. I SWEAR I DID NOT GO OKAY. i've got witnessES man. ask huimin, ask enqi, ask weehong, ask gimyong, ask jianming, ask cheehow, ask lien, ask joachim, ask guowei, ask rongchang, ask yeowching, ask khaifang, ask huifen, ask yeehwee, ask johnson. DAMN IT. i tell her the truth and she didnt believe me. like wtf?! and she slapped me lar. it was the first time i cried when she slapped me okay.. i was damn disappointed lar. she believed an outsider. she'd rather believe a bitch den to believe her OWN DAUGHTER. why is she always doing this to me?! am i not her flesh and blood? i'd rather not to be on this earth man. damn it. FUCK. i'd rather i was not born. i'd rather she gave me away the minute i came to earth. i'd rather she had a miscarriage and lose me instead, i'd rather she aborted me away. in her eyes, there's only nicholas nicholas nicholas. despite him being a nuisence and bastard and all, its always nicholas nicholas nicholas. then why bother bout me so much man? jus chase me outta the house lar, give me away lar, put me in the orphanage lar. disown me lar. everytime only say im a great disappointment. say i useless, say im good for nth. only care bout her face, scared i throw her face, afraid to let ppl kno im her daughter, see me as a good for nth idiot who always let her worry. like nicholas did not like dat lor.. so wat if his psle got higher then me?! so wat man.. in the end olso frm first class drop to third class.. in hte end olso become a stupid babarian.. every word that comes out of his stupid mouth is vulgarities, look at porn stuffs on the net, everyday act like a stupid gangster, he got camp only den let him go, got chalet only then let him go, got party olso let him go.. everything olso he can do.. i must beg like a stupid pile of shit den she'll even start to consider letting me go.. i get trophy she olso dont care, i get gold and everything she olso dont even bother.. nvr even make it a point to look at my trophy.. my maths get high marks she olso didnt bother.. get low a bit only then she start nagging like my maths have always been poor.. my english get 60+ she say its lousy, she think so easy to score is it? DO IT YOURSELF LAR. damn it. i do good, she dont bother, i do badly then only she start to bark.. she thinks she understands me so well, truth is, SHE KNOWS NUTS. wat the hell does she kno??! all she knows is nicholas is a good boy. disgusting! when it comes to nicholas, she doesnt slap, she doesnt beat, she doesnt scold, she doesnt punish. everytime only ask me to do things, in the end olso nvr say thank you. why doesnt she ask nicholas to do it? because he is too young. FORGOODNESS SAKE MAN. HE IS 13 YEARS OLD. THIRTEEN YEARS OLD. at the age of 13, i was sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, hanging the clothes and folding the clothes pls.. isnt he more useless then i am?? why am i always the one getting scolded?? i get scolded for EVERYTHING. even things i did not do. and most of the time, it was nicholas who created the fucking problem. and i'll have to carry the blame. so what if im 3 years older? so wat?? den i'd rather i be 3 years younger then him, i'd rather i wasnt even here. doesnt even treat me like her daughter lor.. one day, when i cannot take it no more, i'll pack my bag and run away. i swear i'll do it. i'll go to my grandma's house, at least there they love me. or mayb i'll jus go some where she'll nvr be able to find me. she sucks lar. damn it.

on top of these unreasonable stuffs, my friends are treating me like a stupid joke. treating me like a stupid clown. making me feel so unwanted.. treating me so coldly, making me feel like a stupid clown.. like i've been made used of.. sth to pass their time.. said their always there for me.. but when i need someone, they are nvr there.. i had to cry myself to sleep everytime.. i had to cry alone.. i had to sit behind my door and cry.. wat are friends for then? sighs.. they're there so they can mock at me.. so they can run me down more.. so they can laugh at the sight of my pitiful self.. sighs.. my life is a complete SHIT man. damn it.

aiyoyoyo

aiyeee! im super bored!! boo~

anyway.. i spent today and yesterday making my yeye's birthday card! haha.


lols. i messed the floor. haha!


this is the full page. as in both pages.. haha..


HAHA. this is the front page! the back page looks similar but a lil screwed up. LOLs.


lols. the process..


page ONE.


page TWO.


that is wat my bro wrote.


the mess.

ok. it is not completed tho.. got tired. HAHA. and it's tmr! lols. aye.. i still needa get my other cousins to write on the empty red spaces. HAHA. yes. the pictures.. the one on top is.. ME. haha. the one below is my bro.. haha. im gonna get my cousins' photo and put it in too. so there.. ((:

HAHA.

hello! yea! i didnt sleep last night.. haha. was chatting with geraldine til bout 6 plus 7.. HAHA. yea man. then i went to take a lil nap.. and my alarm rang at 9 plus.. but i went back to sleep!

WAIT. I ACTUALLY WANTED TO BRING MY CAMERA OUT. BUT I FORGOT. DAMN. wait u'll kno why.. damn! haha..

JOB BRIEFING.
haha. by the time i woke up, it was alr 10.45am. OMG. yes. i was running super late.. i quickly got up and changed and took a cab down to west mall to meet enqi. we went for the briefing. the fella was LATE himself lar.. haha.. during the briefing i was like WHOA.. haha. great job i found myself here man! HAHA. yups..

JOB INTERVIEW.
and then after dat me and enqi went back to west mall and we had our breakfast! HAHA.. we had EGG and BREAD and MILO. delicious man! HAHA.. and we made our way to town!! HAHA.. yupps. and we got off at somerset.. and went to faber building. YUPPS. and we filled in the forms and we are FREE to roam orchard! erm the person inc charge asked us to go for work on TUESDAY! haha. 2.30 same place! yay! haha. i work on day den take leave.. -.-'" for camp. HAHA. so lame lor.. but ya.. haha. yepps.

AND DEN.. HAHA.. we went to roam heeren and cinne.. HAHA. and bought a COUPLE of stuffs. HAHA. and FINALLY we decided to GO HOME. haha! yes. finally.. haha. and we walked to orchard mrt.. and we passed by this really cool erm.. show thing.. and it was showing a LAMBOURGINI GALLERO!! OMG. that was the MOST HANDSOME thing i've EVER SEEN. i swear i could go up to it and drive it home. i tell you, it was the PRETTIEST THING EVER. it is black and so damn cool! it was soooo COOL man. the COOLEST THING ON EARTH. i was like where's my stupid camera when i need it. damn! BUT anyway.. i took a pic with my phone. ((: so pretty!! haha. ok den we went to get me a drink. i was so dried up. haha. and after my drink, we continued walking TOWARDS orchard mrt. HAHA. seems like we can nvr reach there man. haha! we came to this traffic light.. where u cross over to paragon. AND THERE, i was so amazed.

yes. a six year old busker. HE WAS PLAYING DRUMS. he played like a professional. as if he has been playing drums his entire life. its like he played drums for centuries. HAHA. THO he started playing when he was two. i was sooo amazed. and awed.. wat he played was awesome. i could see it in his eyes.. the passion and the feel he was having while playing the drums. it was GREAT. Ethan Ong. yes. i bet he'll become a very successful drummer man! fine looking chap.. so fine that he was sooo irrisistable. HAHA. SO CUTE. haha. omg.. i couldnt help but to ask him to take pic with me lar.. its is in MY phone. ((: now, WHERE THE HECK IS MY CAMERA?!?!? oh ya. enqi was with me the whole time. (: she was like "thinking back, who's hanqi arh?" i was like OMG.. wth!! HAHA.. but ya.. im super impressed by the lil' kid lor.. omg can.. very talented lil fella. so cute some more.. HAHA.. yes.. i was telling enqi "im gonna let my son learn drums at 2 years old." haha! yes. i will. if i remember. and i'll let my lil girl learn dancing. YES. and piano and guitar and violin and all. HAHA. mummy didnt let me go for classes when i was younger lah.. NO FAIR. so i'll let my kids do it for me.. (((: HAHAHA. ok. done. ((:



i dunnoe what do u wan from me. i jus kno that im really tired and i dont wanna ponder bout things anymore. but i nvr stop being ur fren, unless u wan me to. ((:

sighs.

As i was flipping thru my drawer, i came upon this lil' bag.. ok.. more like a SMALL pouch.

i was thinking, this pouch looks sooo familiar.. so i opened it.. and.. URGH!

this lil' bag belongs to seventh july two thousand and five.. or should i say first october two thousand and five. sighs.. inside this bag is what i suppose i want to forget. perhaps forget is not appropriate, let go might be a better word.

this bag is a tiny transparent bag with lil' holes on it.. it has a black zipper and hook. and inside this bag, there are ten, TEN, 10 things inside. these ten things fit nicely inside this pouch. JUST nice. big and small. valuable and the NOT SO valuable. meaningful and the NOT SO meaningful. happy memories and the sad memories. his love and my love. my promise and his promise. it was once our promise.

ok. after saying SO much. i bet u guys are going.. DAMN IT. jus tell us wat is inside man! haha. and i bet if he is reading this, he might oredy guess what is inside. how amazing can it get. this lil' bag can make me think so much. especially with those few smses yesterday and what he asked. i started pondering, i started thinking bout why these events kept on repeating itself. First time and Second time. and then i realised, the fault lies within me. i am jus too paranoid. im loving too much. im so afraid of reality. im scared of losing. after the first heart break, it was a long period of time. one year, in fact, more den a year. i once told myself, to ignore the fears i have in me and give my all to the next. i told myself, forget but wat i am afraid of. i try and try.. i made him wait, and there was one period i told myself not to commit ever again. but there's was this other feeling and voice inside me, telling me to give it another try. perhaps thing might work out this time. i open my heart to love once more, but true enough, my fears set in. and this eventually led to seperation. oh well. yepps. it true..

for the past few months, i've been telling myself that only i will give and not recieve. that is why, i am holding back. holding back on what might work out. i dunnoe.. i didnt dare to try. so i did not try. i jus sat there and kept quiet, altho i kno he oredy knows, i didnt dare to speak a word. altho they say he likes me too, i didnt wan to believe. i'd rather he dont like me, i'd rather he doesnt kno a thing, i'd rather myself to admire him without him knowing. i'd rather i did not crush him. i'd rather i did not know him. i'd rather he did not know me. i can only give and not recieve. i dont wan to recieve. i want to love, i dont want to be loved.

some people dream of being loved all the time, but they dont know what love may bring. it brings heartbreak, it brings tears. it brings misunderstanding, it brings lies. it brings broken friendship, it brings enemies. it brings hatred, it brings denial. it brings lonliness, it brings blood. it brings betrayal, it brings sadness. it brings solitude, it brings suffering.

isnt love supposed to be sweet and happy and all? isnt love supposed to bring joy and happiness, hugs and kisses, peace and harmony, warmth and cuddles, trust and confidence, loyalty and understanding?

fairytale, ABSURD. what is fairytale? lies. yes, fairytales are lies. whatever with the happily ever after thing. it nvr happens. fairytales are meant for lil' children who dreams of neverland. fairytales are meant for people who have schizophrenic. it is meant for those who refuse to face reality. why do fairytales always starts with a long long time ago, or long before your time?? i tell you. because it nvr happens, because there is no such thing, because there is not a fix place and time where happily ever after come true. sighs, life is ardous..













inside the bag, there's..
a baby photo;
Queen of hearts;
a bookmark;
a pick;
a movie ticket;
a pig hangie thing for the phone;
another pair of pig hangie thing (which i meant to give him but i didnt obviously..);
a necklace;
and a ring.



((: good day.

job hunt!

JOB HUNT!
ok. yes. i've started job hunting finally! HAHA.. and it's SOOO difficult to find a job man! omg.. like temporary only lah.. ok. i asked my uncle. AND he said he could only pay me 25 bucks. THAT PATHETIC 25 BUCKS. like WTH.. ok so i called and asked my auntie.. she ask me if the NTUC cashier can not.. den i was ohkay.. i mean i dont mind. den i asked how much usually.. she said 4 or 5 bucks per hour loh.. OMG.. paying me so little and asking me to stand all day?! like wat the heck pls.. aiyoyo! difficult to find a jobb mann.. den she asked me to check the papers out.. and told me usually the restaurant line offer a higher pay.. so i guess i'll go get the papers later.. HAHA.. yupps..

AND YAY!! I AM GOING FOR YISS! WEET! EEEEE-HA! lols. im mad. HAHA.

hahaha.

THIS MORNING, I WOKE UP and mummy went..

mummy: "GIRL uh!! when's ur camp?!"

and i was thinking my camp??! i thot over already? then i continue thinking.. and i was like..

me: "OH! erm.. 8 to 11."

then there was a pause..

mummy: "YOU BETTER CLEAR THE MESS IN UR ROOM AND THE STUDY ROOM, IF NOT U DONT GO ANYWHERE. U HEAR ME?"

HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!!! read that? omg.. mummy's letting me go for YISS!!! YAY! woohooo! PRAISE THE LORD. AMEN. ((:

reality is mean

reality is mean. super mean. it is when ur down den u'll realise, the ppl whom u thot cared for u and who are always there, are the ones who hoped u'd die faster. and their olso the ones who enjoy looking and laughing at u when ur at ur lowest. yes, im at my lowest now. im super down on my luck, everythings starts to go wrong and everyone pointing their finger at me.. i wonder why do such stuffs happen.. reality is disgusting lar.

it is when u've experienced it, that ur able to tell how egoistic and selfish can ppl get. if they dont get wat they want, they'll try their utmost best to ruin it. its like if u cant have em, ruin em! yes. i can see it. if they dont get u, and ur at ur lowest, they'll run u down and start pouring cold water. but fret not, uh uh.. i am not giving up so soon. i dont give up, i kno that im right and i did nothing wrong.

wrong, perhaps breaking up is wrong. i dunnoe. whatever lorr.. reality sucks big time!

humans are just so two headed.. as in two headed thing(i didnt wanna use animal, cos animals are nice creatures.) they pretend to care for u but inside their hearts, they want u dead. im not only refering to who i think i am now.. but its all everybody. this happens to me too. SOMETIMES. we're all human. perhaps its human nature.. i dunnoe.. but as u read this post, think deep, recall. did u not once habour this thot? oh well.. this is why ppl have schizophrenic behaviour. we all dislike reality cos it stinks.

this sucks. jus when i was accused of flirting with some guy whom obviously i DID not.. some other guy comes up to me and tells me imma bitch. uh perhaps he didnt say, but i bet thats wat he's thinking inside him. like whatever, i dont give no SHIT. say what u want man. u haven met enough ppl. if imma bitch, then some one else i kno is like wat? bitch square? uh whatever.. is it me or only him? cos i realise he's the only one treating me like imma huge criminal of all times.. i think its only him lar ah.. he's gotta problem man.. he resembles mark when i broke with mark the last time. omg.. see i told u.. guys are all the same.. same pile of shit.. uh uh.. its true.. they only care bout themselves.. yupps. but mark turned nice.. ((: well at least wat i think lar.. but guys will always be reduced to bastards lar.. so why bother..?

behind every bitch, there's a bastard who made her that way.. think bout it.. ((:

that other guy doesnt even bother lar.. i feel he has changed.. serious.. different, not some one i used to know.. he's becoming super wary bout things.. yes, serious. b4, during and after camp. i feel i dunnoe him, at all. tho we were once very close.. its like a whole new stranger standing infront of me. some thing is in between us. something that might severe this friendship. if i too were as paranoid and wary like him, i think this will be our end.. im trying super hard to avoid agruments and unesscessary stuffs.. but he jus doesnt back away.. keep on rubbing in and all being so dao and indifferent.. acting so nonchalent.. aye i dunnoe.. this jus sucks.. i bet he thinks im enjoying life right now, with a new crush and friends and all.. he doesnt kno.. he'll nvr kno.. i bet he thinks i've changed.. i bet he thinks i suck.. i bet he's gloating away now.. i bet he'll read this and come and tell me all this are not true.. i bet he doesnt kno he's hurting me soo so much.. i bet he thinks imma bitch.. sighs..

i am a human too. a very sick and tired person.. during the healing process, i hope to forgive him.. i dunnoe if i did.. not that he's been a bastard while being with me but u kno he lied and sutffs.. i thot it didnt matter, but it did actually, quite a lot.. so i hoped i could put that down.. now, i dunnoe if i did already.. i didnt kno it could actually hurt so much after so long.. it hurt so much, i actually cried out loud lar.. how shameful.. my mom slapped me for the first time and i didnt cry out loud lar.. i was only sobbing lor.. how sickening.. crying because of a guy.. mayb because i was sorry too.. i dunnoe.. mixed up emotions here and there..

perhaps i too have changed, but i dunnoe.. after the healing and outpouring processes, i thot we all should live in fellowship eternally and not being so wary bout things.. sighs.. i dunnoe.. reality sucks..