reminisine

what is love. love is knowing the person u love is happy and u feel contented.

sighs. overwhelming regrets. but then again. i have no rights to. (:

com'on girl. haha. get over it, fast. i know u can do it. (: u jus need time and someone to concern bout ya right. there're plenty of em round.

oh ya. and nicole nicole. i think u can enroll urself for acting already. u put up a very strong front. and he thot u were happy. hahaha! great i guess. haha. well, i thot he's nice. erms, HE IS. but den again. yay! i am happy. hahaha. madness. oh wells.

aye, stop pondering on this girl. he aint gonna come back for u. he didnt even try and make u stay in the first place. he thinks u dont love him at all. he thinks u are happy now and let u be. hahaha. funny how circumstances make fun of u ya.. sighs. wat has happened has happened. no point trying so hard to salvage it anyway. booo.

enqi's right. i've got plenty of other guys waiting to be my guy. why should i try so hard to recover a lost sheep. sighs. im super confused now. i dunnoe wat im feeling. guilt. regret. happy. sad. ya i guess. super heartbreaking can. i mean the way he treats me. not even a friend. wats the use of telling me we can stil be friends when he doesnt even treat me as one. i mean i am always there, i nvr left. its like the stars, u dont always see em' but u know they're there. always. but apparently, he doesnt seem to realise lar. its ok anyway, i did it on my own free will. (: its okay. really. haha. well. lien, im okay. yes, really. haha. dont bother bout me. haha. i keep repeating my mistakes. i dunnoe why either. haha.

perhaps im not ready to commit myself. or maybe i have no confidence in myself. it might also be because i've been hurt so deeply once that i dont trust anyone anymore. because the two closest to me lied to me, so i thot that no one else is trustworthy anymore. maybe its because i am not worthy.

i have always been thinking bout this, given my temper, my not so good looking looks, my super lazy self, my not so intelligent brain, my attitude, my very stubborn stubborness.

who in the world would love me so much that they'll do lil lil things to make me happy, go thru troubles to get wat i want, do wat ever it takes jus to see me smile, try and compromise me, change themselves to suit me, tahan my mad temper, stand my stubborness, try so hard not to make me cry.

and den i became wary. wary of myself. i started to think and even doubt myself, i was so afraid of losing. i wanna win. i cannot lose. that is why, i've always been letting go. letting go of the love of my life, letting go of wat could actually be a wonderful and magical history in my life. oh wells.

that is me i guess, i nvr think for myself, like wat many others say of me. but i cant help it. haha. it's jus me. it's jus soo nicole. i tried to think for myself, but it was too late. once and twice. i tried to think what do i actually want, but when i finally achieved the answer, it was already too late. late because, my love has already walked outta my life and into another's. all i can do now is jus to pray. not for myself, but for him to cherish her. altho i dunnoe who lar, but jus as well i guess. (:

i can see, mark's trying hard. (: and i thank him for that. well, not that it actually concerns me or whatsoever, but because i know, if he hadnt try, it'll be my fault too. dont ask me why, it's a pretty loooooooooong story. hahaha. yupidoki. =) haha, it took him more then half a year to settle down. but all is worthy if u ask him now i guess. ((:

in the past, when i was younger. i've always wanted things to go MY way. i do wat i like, and do wat i want. that was when i was younger lar. but now, whenever i think likewise, i have this voice inside me, telling me, "life isnt that simple nicole." i guess, i am no longer that 6 years old nicole i used to be. i am 16 now, i can think. i plan my life knowing life aint what it appears to be. ((:

im taking a closer walk with God. each day i pray that he'll come deeper into my life. show me the meaning of my existance. everyday, i talk to God. hoping he'll tell me the solutions to my problems. i let God carry my baggages. baggages of sins, lies unforgiveness, anger, and many more. i ask God to lighten my load. i put my life in God's hand. i give God my life. i let God take control of my life. i tell God my secrets, knowing that he'll tell no one. i pray each day that God may touch the lives of my friends and family around me. i know that God will not let me down, neither do i wanna let God down. day by day, i try so hard, not to sin and make God disappointed. i pray so hard that God will bring him back to the path in God's grace. i know God have his reasons of doing things, God made me let him go because he has greater things in life for me. i am ready to do God's will. i love God, and i know, God loves me too. ((: