hiatus

im sorry

sometimes, things just NEVER go the way i want them to. i need that is why i yearn. i dont want you. i need you. need is the word. yupps. nuff said.

but then again, you never did treasure me do you? like what do you really do when im not around. HA. its amazing how hard i try. last night. he smsed me. i was half awake.

last night.
actually, the whole of yesterday and TODAY. my bones were breaking, my muscles were tearing. i felt like dying. even when i wear my shorts, my shirt, stand up, sit down, lie down, toss and turn in bed, climb up and down the stairs. i can feel the tension set upon my muscles. counterpain dont work for me anymore. OH MY BUTTERFLY STROKE SWIMMING COW. training was monstrous. and i cant believe there's two trainings next week. whose gonna save me? rarr. but hey, its sean. =DDD

flashback.
the whole of saturday was wasted away. i woke up at THREE. and lazed in bed til SIX. until i decided to go downstairs and buy dinner. HAHA. marilyn says im smart. smart way to diet. missed breakfast and lunch already. HAHA. i dont eat breakfast anyway. and i doubt i'll be determined enough to go down to buy lunch. HAHA. daddy took the laptop to malaysia. be back only today. not sure what time tho. sighs.

HOWEVER, i did ponder bout whether to study or not. and finally i came to realisation that ALL my stuffs are in the locker. HOHOHO. see, its not that nic dont wanna study, just that things never go her way. =D

saturdays are absolute bores. like what can one do on a saturday? i think i need a change in life. i've decided from next week onwards, im gonna attend saturday masses. and go for benjamin goh(yeah i decided) on sundays. afterall, i need my maths. BUT. i dont like to go for saturday masses. some STUPID elders will think that they are super smart and good they start critising ME. like HELLO, start with yourself first please. you're such a B*TCH yourself. *rolls my eye* then again, i dont have a choice. benjamin goh's only free on sundays and its 9-11. i wont be able to make it for 11am mass. and NOPE im not going for 7am, mass. thats suicidal. =D so i suppose half my life is laid down infront for me. =/

because i refuse to let go, i lost most of my friends. they just cannot be bothered anymore when im upset. all lien would say is, who else can make you so sad. all enqi might say is i never learn. all jack says is dont let the past affect me so much. trying NOT to love him is a chore. like its so tiring to cover the feelings. i.. am not afraid of crying alone. i loathe it doesnt mean im scared. but.. what im afraid of is not having him by my side. it just doesnt feel the same anymore.

like, i cant just be his friend. neither do i want him to only be my friend. but like i said, things never go my way. like its all out to spite me.

joey is retarded. she was so occupied with counting the number of times he turned and looked at me through out the mass. 42 times. and this 42 times, i dared not look at him. because for each time i look at him, i would blame myself. and it feels really rotten inside. its only when he's turned his back, i would steal a few glances. why must things end up this way. i totally suck. maybe if i had perished, things would turn out to be better. like im the root of all evil. i so hate myself. im just like outcast adam. i got nothing to say. urggh.

jack jack jack jack jack. this is all he can say. why im not surprised. i've never really loved him anyway. ((: *shrugs*


i know you're trying. but i need to hear them in the words i've been waiting for. songs lyrics are not what i wanna hear. my mind is just to tired for games. its just five words. five simple words. like the first time you asked. five simple words. five simple words for me to feel your sincerity. its not too much. its just what i need.

if your even reading.

im barely hanging on.