agony!

madness. sighs.

oh well. im not angry. its not his fault.

it happened once. and now, again. so i guess the problem lies within me. my fault i guess. perhaps its me, being too paranoid all the time. it could olso be because im not ready to commit myself. i dont wanna be tied down by relationships. i haven got enough fun yet. =P

but i must say.. mark was nice, very very nice.. too nice that he spoilt me.. doesnt tie me down, gives in to me all the time, automatic will call me every night.. haha.. doesnt quarrel (see lar.. he spoilt me) and stuffs.. nice guy i must admit. haha. but.. too bad shit always happens.. he fell for my bestie.. and so did my bestie.. so i stepped back. not trying to be noble.. but i dont wanna lose the closest people around me. one was my best friend, the other was the guy i loved. wat else could i do? i cannot afford to be selfish. i'll lose either oneof them.. that wasnt wat i wanted. i wanted both to stay by me. but after i stepped away, the both of them seem to distant me. i dunnoe why.. and soon misunderstanding appeared.. bout me and mark.. causing arguements between them.. mark came to me for help.. so i helped. i had absolutely NO idea why the heck i agreed to help. but i did anyway.. and they're ok now i guess.. forgot bout me and stuffs.. nvm.. oh well.. i gave him up.. i got no rights to regret it now. (: 3 months. a very enjoyable 3 mths. laughters, tears, worries, argues. 3 months. it may seem very short, but it was very magical. like i was part of a fairy tale, where im the princess and spoilt by the prince. short and sweet. ((:

hmm.. benjy's olso a nice guy. 2 months. a very long 2 months.. but in the end.. wo men you yuan wu fen. thats all i could say. (:

right. totally agree with joycelyn. "one thing i'll nvr forget. guys are jerks." how true can this get. well.. mayb not all guys. but.. based on my past experience, it is so very true. oh well.. both past was a failure. mayb i was too afraid of losing them, so i asked for a break. i dunnoe.. sometimes, being too paranoid can be very destructive. so destructive, that im too afraid of it happening. so in order for it not to happen, i acted first.. and initiated a break. 4 times when i was with mark.. and once with benjy.. haha.. i dunnoe lar.. too paranoid i guess.. very afraid.. afraid of losing them.. but if i were to turn back time, i'll not exchange friendship for the guy i love. mayb this, is one precious lesson learnt. but i seem to be committing the same mistake. its in me. friendship before love. im trying hard to forgo that thinking. apparently not very successful lar.. oh well.. too bad.. haha.. im not ready lar.. too many things at hand.. further more.. u all kno im the playful kind.. den very stubborn.. refuse to listen.. and so on.. oh well.. hehe.. this is jus me.. love me for me. (:




gone with the wind. (:
(painful but worthwhile i guess)