3rd day of school

There's this crazy weight upon my shoulders, like the entire universe is banking on me to succeed, the realization that this is probably my last shot, I have this insane need to not screw up this time, to not throw this chance away, to not fail this time, to prove I can be better than your sons and daughters, that I can do it when I set my mind to it. I need to prove to them, and more importantly I need to prove to myself. This is all killing me. :(

I don't show my insecurities, instead I act like a wild girl who doesn't give a fuck about anything. I'm cool. So now, everyone thinks that I'm this crazy girl who don't give two hoots, everything I do seems like a joke to them, everything I attempt is out of fun to them, but no one really knows how fucking bad I want this.

Honestly, this is what I am lately. I'm not happy, really. Well, yeah when I laugh, that's genuine. Doesn't mean I'm happy, right? I think I'm going through this phrase whereby I know I screwed up way too many times. Taking everything for granted, like fuck yes I deserved it. But really, I should have been thankful that I still have chances.

Here's what we would sound like;

Chance: Hi, I'm here. Grab me and go be famous.

Me: Lol, are you serious? Fuck off.

Chance: Hey, remember me? I'm back, come with me, we'll earn big bucks together.

Me: What shit? Fuck off.

Chance: K, I'm still here. Do whatever you want with me.

Me: *kicks him in the fucking butt and roflmao-ed.

Chanc... ah, you should have gotten an idea of what our relationship was like. *shrugs.

When I knew I couldn't leave for Queensland, I was devastated. I keep wondering why they didn't think I deserved that shot, why is my education not worth their investment, why the fuck are they scrimping on their girl. Then I realised it was because I didn't give them anything to believe in. Everything was a game to me, why so serious? Right? No. Because if I'm not serious this time, I'm done for.

Communications, is it really the right major for me? Can I really pull it off, and excel? I feel insanely stressed, like choking damn bad stress. I think I cry secretly, but I didn't let me know.

I think I should just head to bed now.