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Friday, August 01, 2008

Maybe I'm starting to understand.

Maybe I'm starting to understand.

Why the relationship between my mummy and me is so different from my friend's relationship with their mummy. Why Jack can joke around his mummy and not get scolded, why my girlfriends' can go shopping with their mummy and why their mummy understands them so damn well. Why my dad is never around, why I don't adore him like I used to anymore.

I came to a conclusion for my strained relationship with my parents. There are several factors actually.

Since mummy and daddy were really busy with their jobs, I remember living with my paternal grandparents, uncles and aunts ever since I was old enough to know what's happening around me. I'm always closer to my grandparents, I've prolly never really come into close contact with my parents or my baby brother then, since he's always at my maternal grandparents' side.

(and this is how the strained relationship between me and my maternal side came about. They all favoured brother since he's been spending half his life there, and half my life was spent at my paternal side, naturally they'd love me more than brother.)

Until when I was in K2, I was claimed back to stay with my parents and brother in our Jurong flat (in which I've spent my past 14 years and counting in.) But still, I'll always look forward to spend my whole holidays staying over at my gramp's. Every school holiday, without fail.

(Bedok Reservoir was where my childhood was shaped and formed. I still remember this friend whom I made from 2 floors on top of mine. He'd come over to my house and we would start playing pretend. Bedok Reservoir was also where I had my first chicken pocks and all the other weird, but special memories took place.)

For my mummy, she's always the one scolding and punishing brother and I since we were young. She's always the one disciplining us, making us kneel infront of the altar and at the corridor. She's forever seen equipped with the stupid cane in her hands, and she's always shouting and screaming. I never liked her, and very often than not, I'll keep thinking to myself if I could exchange mothers with my cousins and friends. I really hated her a whole lot, I hated her for not giving me freedom and trust and all the other things that a teenager would ask for.

And as for my dad, I've always have had a perfect picture of him in my head. He's always been the one protecting me from my mum's cannings and scoldings. Pampering me with everything he can give me, driving me to school and going overseas together. He's never raised his voice or hands at me, even when my report card's all red and bloody. He would go overseas for business trips and come back with presents, placing it beside my bed and when I wake up, I'll smile. All was good, until he quit his job and kept changing jobs. I didn't show any displease, cos afterall he's my dad, and maybe he has his difficulties. But on an unfateful day, I started to realise that he's constantly chatting with this China woman online, saying cheesy stuffs and flirting and all. I kept quiet all these time, until I can finally suppress no more. I shouted at him, and he slapped me. For the first time in my entire 18 years of life. I started ignoring him and pretending that he is non-exsistant.

My teenage years was spent in such a way that whenever the issue of parents arises, I was the first one to shun away from it. If I was forced to make a comment, tears would form in my eyes. Yes it was that hard, I refused to believe that that was all that we've become. I hated life. I questioned God.

Benjy helped me through this pharse in my life. He was God Sent, he knew every way possible to make me smile. He was the best gift i've ever recieved. Although it was short, but undeniably, he's walked me through that dark moment in my life. Those were the days I had when I was in Secondary 3 and 4.

Then came last year, everything had to repeat itself again. And I earnestly thank God for bestowing Jack upon me. Jack held tight my hands and carried me through the shittiest moments, and the roughest days. He was always there to make me feel at ease, and make me really happy like i used to be. I'll love Jack until I can love no more. (:

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Just 2 hours earlier, I asked my mum if she can come down to the bus stop and fetch me upstairs. She asked me for a reason why I couldn't go up myself. And I told her that the volleygirls were sharing ghost stories just now and I'm afraid and paranoid. And she started shouting, then ask them to bring you up lah. So I immediately hung up, and at that moment, I wasn't scared anymore, I was more than sad. I thought I felt tears forming in my eyes, and it struck me to post an entry about this, so here it is.

After all these years, I'm just starting to understand what I could never have fathomed when I was younger. At the age of 19, I really envy people who can feel like friends when their with their parents. It's something that I will never be able to achieve, even if I've managed to make big bucks and gain fame and respect. I'll not have this as a part of my life, it's really near impossible. This is one of the many things money cannot buy. Kinship.


Good bye.
*P.S I'm not emo, I'm not sad. I have Jack. :D

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